Our Ballerina

Tomorrow is opening night. The Ballet Theater South will perform Peter Pan for their annual production. This week has been busy for our family. Filled with dress rehearsals, performances for school children, and our usual stuff. However as busy as it has been, we have all again been painfully reminded that our Martha Anne is not here.

Martha Anne was such a beautiful dancer to me. She took her classes and her art seriously. She dedicated herself to learning and practicing. She looked up to the older dancers and wanted to be just like them some day.

The dance company has thoughtfully dedicated the performance to her memory. And have actually not filled her spot in the dances. A sort of missing dancer formation if you will. I am filled with mixed emotions. I am concerned for the other dancers, including our Emma. I hope they will dance their hearts out. I pray they will be excited and that their memories of Martha Anne will be happy ones. I pray they will smile as they leap and spin, remembering how much she loved to dance with them. But at the same time, I am afraid I may not be able to hold up very well as I watch them all dancing without my precious daughter among them.

And, through all of this, I have realized and seen what a beautiful dancer Emma has become. She has always been a year behind Martha Anne, so there was an understandable difference in their abilities. However, she has really come into her own. I am so proud of her. I am so thankful that she wants to dance. I could have easily understood if she did not feel she could continue for this performance. But she has pressed on and has done so beautifully. She may be what gets me through this weekend. I would never tell her that for fear of putting too much pressure on her. But it may well be the truth.

The other day I heard the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me on the radio. I was reminded what a sweet friend of ours said during the days immediately following Martha Anne's death. Anyone familiar with the lyrics will appreciate her words. She said, "I know in my heart that there was no decision to be made. Whether to dance, or to stand in awe, or to fall to her knees...she danced!"

I long for the day when we will dance together my little ballerina. Until then we will dance here, and remember your gracefulness and we will be strong and beautiful...just as you would want us to be.