Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since Martha Anne died and we are still confused as to what happened. We still do not have an autopsy report or a death certificate. We were told the preliminary autopsy indicated she died from "Undiagnosed Diabetes".
It is hard for me to accept that was the reason she died. I have spent countless hours searching the Internet for cases like ours. There are some similar, but none exactly or even really close.
Martha Anne was the picture of health. She was a ballet dancer, in her eighth year of study. She was a strong beautiful dancer. Every time I got to see her dance, I always told her how much I loved to watch her dance. She took tennis lessons, and was a strong tennis player too. There were no signs that anything at all was wrong. She never complained about anything being wrong.
We were visiting friends in Montgomery the weekend she died. The night before, she was playing with her sisters and her friends in the back yard. She woke up at around 3:30 with a headache. About an hour later she was sick on her stomach. And about an hour after that she was not breathing when I checked on her.
How does that happen? How does a seemly perfectly healthy child die following a headache and throwing up? I need to know! However, I fear that I may never know. I wish I could just accept that, but it is hard for me. You see, I have made a career of figuring out what is wrong with a process or organization and eventually fixing it. As such, I have developed a strong need...a curse if you will, to know why things are the way they are. And, if things are not the way I want them, or think they should be, I can usually do something about it.
Even though I know there is nothing I can do to change the fact that my little girl is gone, I think it would do me a world of good to know what happened. I recognize that even if I never know what happened, I will have to push through the disappointment and find a way to accept her death.
I have no problem believing God saved her (and us) from a much worse fate. But given the choice...I would still like to know just what happened.
Friday, November 16, 2007
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Dear Allen,
I am so sorry about Martha Anne. I'm sorry that you guys are all feeling the empty spot you never knew existed in your hearts. 10 and a half months later, I'm not going to lie to you, I still miss Noah every single day, but I am glad I do because as strange as it sounds, the pain keeps him close to my heart. I will still always be his mom, but here on earth, so that's why it hurts. Allen, before Noah was born, I had a very intimate relationship with Christ. Since you have children, you know the moment they were born that your eyes were opened to a bigger part of God's perspective. I knew that the moment Noah was born, too, but not until we were in the hospital with his unknown illness did I really begin to grasp the truth that there's a lot more to God's perspective than I realize. I know you and I have different stories in that your Martha Anne died suddenly and Noah was in the hospital for 5 1/2 months so the shock was something we experienced while we were in the process. We grieved a lot during Noah's hospital stay and continue to grieve daily, but with God's grace, somehow we literally are able to put one foot in front of another. I remember one day at a big ethics meeting, actually one year ago this time, I pleaded with all of these strangers to please do something, anything to try to save my son. I told them all that I would die if Noah died. I didn't want to live. Then I had the following epiphany that I pasted from an old blog "Three months ago today I died.
You see, when we had the big ethics meeting back in November or December, I sat in there with a bunch of people, some family, some friends, loving caretakers, and some random strangers, and in the midst of feeling like I was pleading for someone to step up to the plate and take a chance to try to save our son, whether it be experimental or what, I said out loud, "I am going to die if my son dies. I know I won't be able to live..."
Well, I can honestly say that on January 12th, I died along with Noah. I died to the life of 35 years that I had previously lived. I died to myself, and though I was born again for eternity 20 years prior because of Christ, I died to my own selfish pursuits in life.
I'm so happy I died. I feel like I can finally live!"
I share that with you because you asked about the 'normal'. Well, though we served God prior to Noah's death, I never truly grasped what Christ meant when He said that in order to find our lives, we must lose them. Our new 'normal' is nothing like the old one in that trivial is meaningless and God's purposes alone are all we really care about. Normal is new but it's okay. It's actually quite freeing, especially knowing Noah is healed and what satan intended for evil, God always wins and turns for His glory and His purpose. When the devil tries to discourage me or drag me down, I remember God's eternal perspective is more beautiful than I can imagine, that Noah is safe, actually wanting me there more than I want him here, and that, PRAISE GOD, life is NOT about here and is but a breath. Those scriptures never really made sense until filtered through the life of Noah. This is exceptionally long, so I apologize, but I want to encourage you and your whole family that you will gain a normal but it will be a new normal, one with more meaning than you thought you had previously. I don't cry every day anymore. I still miss him every day. But I also realize that each day that I am further from his death, I am closer to seeing him again in God's presence, and for that I am grateful.
It is different for everyone so I can't tell you what it will be like for you all, but I do pray that the Holy Spirit will lead you and comfort you as you walk each new day without Martha Anne in your physical lives but in your hearts. He is faithful and will literally provide all that you need if you seek Him. There are a lot more things I could share, but this is enough to chew on for now. I pray for God's blessings of comfort and peace to fill your hearts and minds. Sincerely, Adrienne
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