Aggression

I would have to say that I have pretty much always been someone who would stand up for himself. Someone who would not back down from conflict or confrontation. Not necessarily someone who went looking for conflict or someone who started trouble, but one who would deal with whatever came my way (perhaps this is where M.A. got her sense of standing up for herself and others).

However, about two months ago Zan and I both started noticing a little more aggression in my demeanor. The first time I noticed it was at a Braves game. This jerk (that is not a reflection of this increased aggression, this guy really was a jerk) was cutting through the parking lot, trying to worm his way into lines of cars that had been waiting patiently in line to leave. I was pleased to see that the cars ahead of us were not going to let him in. However he finally wormed his way in and then started celebrating is victory out his open window. Out of no where, I felt and acted on the urge to roll down the window and shout, "That still doesn't make you a jerk!" Zan was not happy with me. And I must say I really wasn't either.

Then as recently as today, I became impatient with a woman ahead of me in line at the store. She was talking on her cell phone and insisted the cashier, and the rest of us behind her wait until she dug out sixteen pennies from her purse to pay for her merchandise. By the time she got six down on the counter, I had had enough. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a dime and slammed it on the counter and said "For goodness sake, can we get on with this!" The lady just sneered at me...the cashier laughed under her breath. I was instantly embarrassed.

I have been avoiding the thought that this all could be related to Martha Anne's death. I know all too well that an "Anger" phase exists in the grieving process. I really thought I was going to avoid it, and I kind of feel weird excusing my behavior as part of my grieving. But I have no other explanation. I am usually a patient man who makes wise decisions. Well...at least wiser than these two decisions.

Perhaps the worst part is I am not sure what to do with this pent up aggression. I started lifting weights again today after about a five to six week break. Maybe that will help me redirect some of this. I hope so. I really do not like who I am right now. I really, really do not want to embarrass Zan or the girls or tarnish my witness for Christ. Part of me just says, "Suck it up and get past it". But I really think there may be more to this phase than that. So, I'll keep praying and hitting the weights. At least maybe I'll get in better shape!