That's what was on the agenda today. Church, communion, and an afternoon piano recital. At first glance, not a particularly taxing day. I am still amazed at my ability to allow myself to think that. To allow myself to wake up without the forethought of how the days events will be shaped by the absence of Martha Anne.
The first land mine...communion. Although this was the second time we have partaken of the sacrament without her, it was pretty emotional for me. I just kept thinking how grateful I was for the cross. More so than just for the assurance of my salvation, but now also for the assurance I have that I will see my daughter again some day. It was too hard to hold back the tears...something I must confess I have never been really good at anyway. So, I missed her a little more than usual today at church.
The second land mine...a piano recital. Emma and Lydia really did a good job with their pieces, and I had already dealt with and prepared myself as much as possible for the fact that this would be our first recital without M.A. So all in all I was doing pretty good. At least until Dr. Bacon, the girls' piano teacher, gave out awards for the guild performers from last year and this year. He mentioned a student who had received a Superior rating from last year's competition who was no longer with us. Emma and Lydia's sister....my precious Martha Anne. I missed her being there so much I thought I was going to fall to pieces. I held it together as best I could, so as to not freak anybody out, but all I really wanted to do was just sink inside myself and never come out.
I know I will see her again...I don't doubt that at all. I know she is in a better place. I believe she knows joy and happiness that I can only imagine. I know that I am still so very blessed with what is still a beautiful family. But as much as I know all of this, I also know that losing her hurts more than anything I could have ever imagined.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
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I am sure you have received this before but I felt a need to send it to you..
I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine, God said.
For you to love the while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
or forty-two or three.
But, will you, 'til I call him back,
Take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As a solace for your greif.
I can not promise he will stay
Since all from Earth returns,
But there are lessons taught below,
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the whole world over
In my search for teacher's true.
And from the things that crowd life's lane
I have chose you.
Now will you give him all your love?
Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take
This lent child back again?
I fancied that I heard them say
Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joys thy child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.
We will shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may.
And for all the happiness we have known
Forever grateful stay.
But should thy angel call for him,
Much sooner than we planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.
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