I Choose Strength

Today I have been home all day with Zan and the girls. It has been a really good day. A day filled with bike rides, lots of time outside, making a tent out of bed sheets, a trip to a park, picking out and watching a movie...just a really good day.

However on these types of days, it seems we all miss Martha Anne a little bit more than usual. I guess it may be in part due to the fact that we are all together and it is very obvious she is not with us. On days like today, we don't get distracted by school or work or dance classes or piano lessons or board meetings. It's just family time. It seems to me that on days like today even Corinne is aware of the void left by M.A.

In the midst of all that was going on today, I mentioned to Zan that it is times like these that I feel most fragile. It feels like that at any moment I could find myself in a corner somewhere, wrapped up in a fetal position, totally consumed by my grief. Zan shared with me that she totally felt the same way from time to time. She added that she really isn't sure why either of us have not found ourselves there. My response was that I fear it may be coming...at least for me. What if the worst is yet to come. What if there comes a day when something snaps and I inexplicably find myself at the mercy of my pain....lost in some world of despair.

Then it hit me. It's my choice. It's always been my choice. When as a child it was a fear of the dark, it was choice to not be afraid. As a young boy, I had to choose to not be afraid of the ball and to swing away. As an adolescent, I had to choose to not let the fear of failure keep me from tyring. And now in this stage of my life, I have to choose strength again.

Strength is a funny thing to me. To me being strong doesn't mean not being afraid. It doesn't mean never shedding a tear. It doesn't mean being happy with the way things have turned out. It does mean that no matter how long the road...you travel it. No matter how wide and deep the ravine...you cross it. No matter how dark the night...you shine the light.

So, everyday and especially on days like today I will choose strength. I know that I and my family will be all the stronger and all the better for it. There will still be tears and there will still be feelings of despair but we will persevere....we will be strong. Strong and thankful for our source of strength.